ENVIRONMENT

A Brief Look at Death Cannons

The pieces of metal that make flesh bags go boom!

Alex Mell-Taylor
7 min readNov 1, 2023

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Photo by Taylor R on Unsplash

Why hello there, traveler, and welcome to the "Apocalypse Tour." This is the tour for all those thrill seekers out there who want to see some things that are downright insane. We note the problematic locations, tools, and, in this case, weapons that contributed to species 947's (947 were also known as humanity [hyoo·ma·nuh·tee]) entirely predictable end on a tiny, weeny planet called Earth in the year 90,423 XE (what humans may know as 2XXX AD).

Today, we are looking at death cannons, known to the natives there as "guns" [guhnz]. These were metal tubes that could propel even smaller pieces of metal or plastic for the purpose of penetrating the flesh sacs of humans. In the words of xeno-anthropologist Qe're'witz Sod: "The simplicity of the tool implies that humans were aggressive creatures. And also stupid."

Every known sentient species at one point or another has developed tools of murder — the mutant flies of Omegar, the supremely terrifying radioactive ice cream of Bastian VI. Humans from the Empire known as the United States of America were unique in believing that carrying such weapons was a divine right. Their country's constitution had enshrined "the right to bear arms," which constituencies such as the National Rifle Association (NRA) had convinced this empire's corrupt government that people should be able to carry and worship unrestricted from the forces of the law. As then-executive vice president of the NRA Wayne LaPierre once noted, presumably before kissing his death cannon, "Our Second Amendment is freedom's most valuable, most cherished, most irreplaceable idea."

Unsurprisingly, this led to a situation where these death cannons were used quite frequently. Disgruntled individuals, mainly on the fascistic end of the human political spectrum, would employ such weapons to execute people who frustrated them, especially social minorities they erroneously believed were inferior. In the human year 2022, the country had nearly 650 "mass shootings" [mas shoo·tuhngz], defined as a situation where at least four or more humans were injured or killed.

Sadly, this trend applied even to younglings called "children" [chil·druhn], with 51 of those

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