A Breakdown Of Every Article On This Site

Reading writers for filth.

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Like any platform, Medium has its own culture and style. Certain article tropes appear on here again and again.

Some of these pieces are tried-and-true methods that lead to some genuinely thought-provoking works.

Others are types of content that we love to hate.

If you want to find out where your favorite author or piece falls, then look no further than the snarky list below.

It Might Be Your Fault

Hi, I’m a self-help author/conservative pundit, and I want to talk about how this problem you’ve been having is actually your fault.

You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and stop blaming other people for it. I will now cherrypick a series of unrelated anecdotes to prove that I’m right. Abraham Lincoln once said…

This Thing Is Racist

We exist in a racist society, and this thing you love perpetuates white supremacy.

*drops microphone.

This Thing Is Homophobic

We exist in a heteronormative society, and this thing you consume was made by a company with a homophobic CEO.

*cues boycott.

This Thing Is Sexist

We exist in a sexist society, and…

…you know what, you get it.

My Coding Bootcamp Made Me Do It

Hi, I am doing a 3-month long coding intensive that requires that I write a blog post every week. I just learned all this stuff literally three hours ago, but my opportunity coach says I need to start building up my brand.

So here it goes:

  1. Ruby: A How-To Guide I Copied And Pasted From Stack Overflow.
  2. Hot Take: AI Might Make Programming Obsolete.
  3. Installing A GUI: You Might Be Doing It Wrong.

Overwhelming, Existential Dread

WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!

I Wrote A Book

Hey, I am going to weave a contemporary issue with an excerpt from a book I just published. You should buy it.

Please buy it. This has been my life for the last three years, and I have nothing else.

I’m serious. This has all I have talked about for years. My friends have stopped inviting me to dinner parties because I won’t shut up about it.

Making Obscure Subject Matter Seem Important

Hey, I study a subject that literally none cares about. I am now going to spend 34 minutes linking it to a more significant societal issue such as patriarchy, climate change, or racism.

Topics include:

  1. Shoe Aglets Are Causing Global Warming.
  2. How Pet Ownership Has Shaped The US Presidency.
  3. The Racism Of Potted Plants.

You’ll undoubtedly hear me regurgitated at your next party.

News Company Crossposting Content

This is what you get for not buying our digital subscription, you deadbeat. You’ll pay for the news if we have to claw the money from your cold, dead hands.

Reacting To Stuff

This thing just happened in the news, and I have opinions. They may not be well researched or right, but they are the first thing that pops up on your feed.

I’m part of the problem.

I’m Reluctantly Building A Brand

Listen, I have had a traditional career for 5–15 years, and now I am being told that I need to build a “brand” (whatever, the hell that means).

Well, I’ve formed a bunch of work-based stereotypes throughout my career, and I’m going to share them with you for claps. These frameworks are not based on research and are vague as hell, but they sound sciencey enough.

Article ideas include:

  1. The Five Types Of Coworkers In Every Office.
  2. Three Clients To Avoid At All Costs.
  3. Meetings: Do We Need Them? (because I sure am done with them).

Have You Considered Communism?

Hey, I love communism.

I’m going to write about a drawback of capitalism for 15ish minutes, and then briefly bring up communism as a solution at the end.

Will you join me, comrade?

Relationship Advice You Didn’t Ask For

I’m an “expert” on relationships, and I think I know how to solve your vague relationship problem without diving into its proper context.

You just need to cut that toxic person out of your life, be firm, and always state your intentions.

When in doubt: leave him.

Controversial, Incomplete Opinion

I have a following for something unrelated, and I’m going to throw my hat into the ring for this contentious subject. I will not think through my position, and will instead dump a stream-of-conscious rant approximately 3 to 7 minutes long.

Hot takes include:

  1. Are Trans Women Robots In Disguise?
  2. Feminists Are The Real Loch Ness Monsters.
  3. Wood-Elves: Are They Racist?

For the discourse!

Anger Porn

You like being angry, don’t you, you naughty, naughty person. Republicans are gerrymandering districts, so black people have no voice. Doesn’t that make it HARD to concentrate on anything else?

You like it when I tell you that America is a terrible, imperialist country with a violent past.

Yeah, HIT that donate button.

Harder.

HARDER.

Imagine Mitch McConnell’s face when he loses his Senate seat. That’s right, tell me to check my privilege, you little slut. I’m coming. I’m coming, COMING to that phonebank mixer.

Well, this has been hard work, but people like you make it worth it.

“Can’t We All Just Get Along?”

Hey, I’m a privileged person who has had a relatively comfortable life (though bring this up and I will rant about my miserable childhood). I don’t like it when people bring up the fact that society is inequitable. I’m serious: all this institutional racism and 1 percenter stuff makes me feel awkward.

Can we stop it with that?

Besides, I have concluded via random historical accounts that real change happens by never questioning anything.

Martin Luther King Jr. once had a dream that I could brunch in peace.

My Tragic Life Story Linked To A Societal Trend

I have gone through some shit recently, and I need to talk. You are going to hear every detail of my crumbling marriage, abusive childhood, or terrible career. This is going to be deeply personal. I might bring up suicidal ideation once or twice without trigger warnings, cause you know, realism.

I have weaved this anecdote alongside a contemporary issue that hits so close to home that you will be thinking about this article for weeks afterward.

No solutions here, just pain.

Tell your therapist I said hi.

Congratulations, you did it! Since you made it to the end of this article, you should follow me here on Medium. I write about pop culture, politics, and feelings. Who doesn’t love feelings? You can also find me on Instagram. Hope to see you around!

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I write about pop culture, politics, and every in between.

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