ENVIRONMENT

The Many Types of Death Vehicles

Vroom vroom went the species with a death wish

Alex Mell-Taylor
8 min readSep 27, 2023

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Photo by Tim Meyer on Unsplash

Why hello there, traveler, and welcome to the "Apocalypse Tour." This is the tour for all those with a certain itch for things pertaining to collapse, where we note the locations and things that significantly impacted species 947's destruction (947 were also known as humanity [hyoo·ma·nuh·tee]). We discuss the complex locations, tools, and items that contributed to humanity's untimely end on a tiny planet called Earth in the year 90,423 XE (what humans may know as 2XXX AD).

Today, we are looking at death vehicles, colloquially known as "cars" [kaarz]. These were metal boxes that 947 used primarily for transportation. It’s debated whether humans religiously revered cars. More space was made for cars in human society than for people themselves. It’s highly possible as humans covered their fragile planet in concrete pathways known as roads [rowdz], which operated as moving altars of worship, and every year, millions of humans were sacrificed to the roads in rituals known as "car accidents" [kaar ak·suh·dnts].

Like everything that people did, these cars were heavily pollutive, not only because they released combustive chemicals to move their feeble wheels forward but also because the roads themselves, made of a substance known as Asphalt or bitumen, released harmful death chemicals of their own. The released death chemicals were all carbon-based and were more likely to be discharged when subjected to higher temperatures: the very thing climate change was increasing.

It's easy to be baffled by the car-based religion humans worshipped, and still, not all of these religious totems were created equally. Some of them emitted far more in terms of greenhouse gases overall, dwarfing their more fuel-conscious cousins.

And so today, we are going to catalog the worst of the worst in the year 2023, considered by scientist ReUechurd W'elf to be the tipping point of human civilization before REDACTED.

Pickup trucks

Photo by Dusty Barnes on Unsplash

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